how then

I wrote a poem called how then.  I wrote it about two years ago after I finished reading The Heavenly Man by brother Yun.  I wrote the poem because I became confused on what it looks like to live for God and frustrated on why the American church doesn't look more like the Chinese church, who I believe is closer to a biblical church like I have never seen. I felt cheated. I felt like the scripture Romans 3:11 where God says "there is no one who understands, there is no one who seeks God".  Along with seeing my church peers not serving in any capacity or even serving each other. My spirits started to go down. I felt like a visionary who wasn't heard. I think I was more hurt than bitter at what I saw and I made the decision to stop going to church. I was tired of being apart of a church community that didn't live like Acts 2.

I was often homeless, hungering for accountability, encouragement, mentorship, fellowship, and wanting to learn about godly relationships and families. I want to see people who not only serve organizations, programs, or made career decisions to serve God, but lived it.  "Lived it" is such a packed phrase. I refer mostly to how I was treated in this church by people who have titles or served in some capacity. This motivated me to not be like those I knew, but to be Christ's very presence, friendship, and grace to those who don't know him or who are growing.  We are all always learning and growing. No achievements or human standards should tell us otherwise.

Now I'm reading a book called Forgotten God by Francis Chan. The first chapter alone has been enough to convict me of the heart I lost when I first believed.  Excerpts from pages 34-35 read "So Jesus was saying another Counselor would come just like him. 'Another.' Imagine the peace that would come from knowing you had perfect truth and flawless direction from him. What do we do if Jesus says it is better for his followers to have the Holy Spirit? Do we believe him? if so, do our lives reflect that belief?

I am brought back to a place that asks why doesn't my life reflect this and how can I get there again?